Samples and Extracts...
It started with the famous five,
Though I had no time for Dick,
Or Julian or Timmy the dog.
Ann and Georgina made me tick
Recently it’s Lara Croft
and Uma Thurman too,
as Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill
Volume one and two.
It’s become an obsession
Female stars of film and fiction.
I consulted a psychiatrist
For the name of my affliction.
He said “I’m sorry, I’m afraid you have
A Heroine addiction”.
HALF LIFE DAY
I had my first date with my (now) wife on Easter Monday, 1986. This was the 8,137th day of my life. 9 July, 2008 was 8,137 days on from that first date and point at which we had been together exactly half my life.
Dark, dark and dark the night
As we walked, squeezing the last moments
From the weekend before work
Usurped our time.
Bright, bright and bright the stars
That pinpricked the velvet indigo
And eavesdropped our whispered
Soft, soft and soft your face
As creeping certainty
Sweet, sweet and sweet your kiss
As together falling
From casual romance
To soul certain permanence.
Met with a breathless “Yes”.
Quick, quick and quick the years
Once constant companion
Now distant acquaintance
Taking our moments.
Cold, cold and cold the days
When sorrow shared our souls.
Rain cloud shadow
A weeping canopy
Blocking the sunlight
Hard, hard and hard the words
At times as edge on edge
We smoothed and shaped
Fashioning a better fit.
Deep, deep and deep the love
That remains ingrained
Making one from two.
So I stand on Half Life Day
The man I am,
Because of you.
SYMPTOMS OF LOVE
Heart and pulse racing,
My palms damp and sweaty.
I feel like my legs
Have turned to spaghetti.
Tight chest, breathlessness,
A bitter miasma.
I saw the doctor.
It’s not love, it’s asthma.
I DIDN'T KNOW
I didn't know there should be stars,
Until I kissed you.
I didn't know a breath should be missed,
Until I kissed you.
I didn't know your heart should stop beating,
One fleeting moment,
Until I kissed you.
I didn't know.
I do now.
THE DAY THE WORLD DIED
The day the world died,
For the will to be read.
It turned out meek
DID inherit the earth,
But they asked for the money instead
Extract from “Human Relations”
A table in a restaurant. A piano plays. A waiter leads Paula to Peter’s table.
Paula (Out of breath) Sorry I’m late Peter. I missed my train.
Peter Paula darling! (After kissing her, he makes a note). No matter! We’ll just have to “watch” it doesn’t become a habit. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Paula Of course Peter.
Waiter Would the young lady care for something to drink, sir?
Paula I’d love a glass of something cold and bubbly darling.
Peter Very well. A glass of your finest coca cola for the lady.
Waiter Very good sir. (Exits).
Paula So Peter, what’s happened in the world of HR today?
Peter It’s been busy! I had to make three thousand redundant today!
Paula Oh Peter! Those poor people.
Peter Don’t worry. None of them know where I live. Now, to business.
Paula Business? I thought we were just having dinner.
Peter But, don’t you realise what date it is? It’s a year since our reciprocal social experience began. That makes today our ann….?
Paula Our ann? Anniversary! Peter I forgot. I‘m so sorry.
Peter Annual review. Exactly!
Paula Annual review?
Peter Of course! Everything is subject to review and the ONW evaluated.
Peter Overall Net Worth. (The waiter brings the drink. She refuses it).
Paula Less bubbles, more vodka please.
Waiter How much more?
Paula Lots! I think it’s going to be a long night.
Waiter Very good Madam. (Exits)
Peter Here’s your agenda. (Paula looks aghast). Now there are three main performance areas. These sections are efficiency, value for money…
Paula (Disbelieving) Value for money?
Peter Indeed. Finally, we have the “Wow” factor. All these sections comprise the Accumulated Section Score or ASS for short.
Waiter (Brings a bottle of vodka with a straw in it). Your drink, Madam.
Paula Thank you so very much. If when I’m finished this one, he’s still talking, bring me another will you?
Waiter Very good Madam. (Exits).
Peter Right then.
Paula Just a minute. (She takes a big hit of vodka). Ahh! Fire away.
Peter Now, how do you feel the last year has gone?
Paula As far as efficiency goes, I think I’m pretty organised.
Peter Pretty and organised if I may say so.
Paula So I’ve done well there?
Peter I agree. Four and a half stars of a possible firmament of five. A half star lost for punctuality but let’s not dwell on that.
Paula No let’s not. (She drinks again).
Peter Not when we have the vexed issue of Value for Money.
Paula I’m not good value for money? I find that demeaning, insulting…
Peter Hush, tush and quiet. That’s not what I’m saying at all.
Peter No. I’ve scored you as satisfactory, but with room fir improvement.
Peter Darling, there are parts of the world where labour costs are lower. Now, there’s no question of this happening – we’re just having fun here….
Paula Let me know when it starts. (Drinks).
Peter ..but if I outsourced the girlfriend function to developing economies such as India or China….
Paula I beg your pardon?
Peter …costs can be lowered considerably. And in Thailand you wouldn’t believe the discounts you can get for bulk orders.
Paula You’ve kept a spreadsheet haven’t you? Written down every penny you’ve ever spent on me?
Peter Well, only what is tax deductible………………….